Mullets

This a paper I wrote as a Freshmen at Flagler College in St. Augustine, FL circa 2000.  Still a classic.  And yes, I got an A.

     SAVE OUR FUTURE FROM THE MULLET

         A common understanding in our modern society is that child abuse is wrong, even a punishable crime. In the past, children were viewed as commodities that were forced to work in harsh conditions at early ages and could even be sold on the black market. But now children are considered our future and are protected by various government agencies. People will no longer stand by silently as a child is physically abused, so why do we allow children to be punished with the mullet haircut? The mullet is a threat to the well being of all redneck children because it makes them a target for both physical and verbal abuse.

Before we can put a stop to the mullet though, we have to know what a mullet is. The simplest definition of the mullet is a haircut with short hair on the sides and top of the head, with long hair in the back. The mullet is a hairstyle with many aliases as well. Some examples are the “bi-level,” “Camaro cut,” “beaver paddle,” “neck blanket,” “Kentucky waterfall,” “mud flap,” and “butt rocker.” Despite the different names however, the concept behind each variation is the same: I’m white trash.

I recently encountered a middle-aged man with a jerry-curl mullet at the A Street beach, St. Augustine, Florida, and I asked him why he chooses the mullet over a respectable hairstyle. He replied, “Business on top, party in the back.” It is too late to help this man; he has had his mullet for so long that mullet-itis of the cerebrum has occurred. This is a personal theory of mine, in which the weight of the mullet on the back of a human head can cause the brain to shift over a period of several years. This shift causes the logic/common sense area of the brain to shrink; that in turn expands the redneck brain area. This part of the brain is used to store knowledge of cars (especially NASCARs and monster trucks), professional wrestling, and hockey. My theory may be the explanation as to why people with mullets still believe that WWF wrestling is real.

I have no pity for adults who are too ignorant to realize that their mullets make them a walking joke, but children who have been given mullets are oblivious to the lifestyle they are being sucked into and we have a civic responsibility to help them. The schoolyard can be a dangerous place for a kid with a mullet. Because children have little to no inhibitions, they are very blunt and can be cruel to those who are different from them. In this aspect, a kid with a mullet might as well have a target painted on his chest for mocking and ridicule among peers. This causes the mullet-children to grow up looking for acceptance in country music bars and trailer parks, where they are welcomed; thus continuing the vicious mullet cycle.

Since there is no pinpointable origin of the mullet (I believe it is a combination of too much inbreeding and moonshine), the parents who give their children mullet cuts must be held accountable for their actions. As in cases with actual physical abuse, parents who give their child a mullet are blatantly unfit to be responsible for the child’s welfare. Otherwise they would not endanger the child’s mental and physical well being by allowing such an atrocious hair cut to befall the head of a child that they are supposed to be loving and caring for. I believe that harsh penalties, even jail time for repeat offenders, should be enforced on parents who submit their children to mullet abuse.